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[27 Oct 2007|04:28pm] |
new journal: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) maroin
ok, add it.
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[08 Aug 2007|03:11pm] |
I miss having someone to love on.
Someone to hug and kiss and tell them they're handsome. Someone to cook for, to wake up on Saturday mornings so I can be the very first person they see that day. Someone to worry about when their boss is mean or their friends are dumb or they don't have much money. Someone who won't think I'm crazy for being so completely enamored with them.
but, you know me. it takes a long time for me to warm up to anyone, and by then they've usually moved on.
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[21 Jul 2007|08:24am] |
Since the breakup, things have been very very good.
and I don't feel guilty about that.
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[14 Jul 2007|06:24pm] |
yesterday after my classes, Michael and I sat on his front steps watching the summer rain. It was the right moment, I think, for the end of our relationship.
since then, I've felt compelled to do many things, as if on a whim but without the emotion. I prepared the same meal that he once made for my family; I gaged my ears with the tunnels he told me not to use until he said so. This morning I wore a shirt that he bought me, while reducing the last pack of cigarettes he gave me to ash. Advice blogs that I turn to in times like these tell me that the pain will sink in eventually, but for now I just feel numb.
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[06 Jul 2007|04:59pm] |
Tuesday after class Michael, Micah and I left for the Spokane Indian reservation. We made a beach fire, ate kosher hot dogs and chocolate cake, set off fireworks and built sandcastles. it was generally a good time, until the sunburns hit and now the boys are crouching in their basements, fearing clothing and sunlight like earthworms. I only feel a little guilty for being olive-skinned and sun-proof.
I really enjoy my summer classes. call me crazy, but I think it's much better than trying to think of how to occupy my time. anthropology is very interesting, and speech is kind of fun, with only seven other people in the class and every one of them delightfully whitetrashy. This monday I'll be reciting poetry by Andrea Gibson for speech. do yourself a favor and listen to some of her work: www.andreagibson.org/poems.html
this weekend sounds promising!
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[23 Jun 2007|06:36pm] |
I'm back from Orcas, that one camp where I hang out with a little kid for a week and hopefully change his life a little. I was paired with a sweet little chubby Mexican boy named Juan who really didn't like much of anything most of the time. He was bored often, and usually cold or tired, and he didn't like any of the other kids, probably results of not being let out of the house much. It was difficult to get him excited about anything, even the Zoo, the Pacific Science Center, or the Space Needle. He did like me, though, and by the last day was hugging me every five minutes and telling me he was going to miss me so much.
This year, the stories of the boys at camp were horrific. I can't stop thinking about what these boys are going through at such a young, vulnerable age.
Michael's leaving for his tour very very soon. I'm angry, disheartened, and miserable. I almost wish I'd stayed home last week so I could have seen him.
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[01 Jun 2007|03:07pm] |
It's been awhile, I'll catch you up on everything.
Adventures:
Last month, Michael, Brian, Rachel and I ventured to Portland to see Mute Math play at the Aladdin theater. Michael and I had seen them at Warped Tour last year, but this performance was mind-blowing: smoke machines, lights, kick-flips, the whole enchilada. Last weekend at Sasquatch, many of the performances I saw reached similar levels of awesomeness, particularly the Arcade Fire. The Beastie Boys, The Blow, and Smoosh all did great, and I have four new favorite bands: St. Vincent, Ghostland Observatory, Electrelane, and Earl Greyhound. Look them up, you'll love them. And after spending two nights sleeping in an SUV with Ashley and Cayla at the Gorge, I was reminded how much I love camping. If you ever ask me to go camping with you, I'll love you forever.
Also, adventures of a sexual nature. tehe!
Accomplishments:
I'm proud of myself, folks. This month I've conquered two of my greatest fears: public performance and needles. For the first, Katie talked me into forming a band with her, so I recruited Michael and we called ourselves the Seafaring Tuxedos. We played two short, noisy songs, and did alright. Then Kind Hearts and Convictions reincarnate played a 45-minute set and definitely won the competition, but I feel ok about it because, as Katie pointed out, more people danced for us anyway. As far as needles go, I've had to give myself a shot every week and it's totally easy now, man. Like pie.
Acquaintances:
The social anxiety is as bad as ever, but a sassy 30-something flower arranger named Roxy at Michael's flower delivery job has taken a liking to the both of us, which means dinner parties with sophisticated alcohol and candid talks about sex. Excellent!
Epiphanies:
Recently, I've had serious (or not so much) thoughts about my future, since graduation and independence are only a year away. I'm scared, honestly, but not of living on my own or any of that. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll become boring, become unimaginative, and stop trying to be an extraordinary person. That's my greatest fear in the world: that I'll give up, get a steady job, marry the guy I kinda like when I'm 22 and have a few kids, do my taxes and never, ever take chances. What I want more than anything is to live without certainties, so that I'm constantly challenging myself and learning what I'm made of, and making it all up as I go along. I especially don't want to measure myself up by how much money I have and what I buy; I don't want an iPod, cell phone, expensive house, or super-nice clothes. I just want to be in-tune with the universe.
At the moment, I'm thinking I'll get my AA shortly after I graduate and then go to the culinary arts school in Portland. For my parents, who have always hyped me up to be some sort of scientist/lawyer/journalist type, this is disappointing. They were downright disdainful when I told them I'd rather work five jobs than sit in an office all day, but I don't think that's an opinion that will ever change.
the near future:
Michael is leaving to tour the country with his band in only twenty days; I've dreaded this for a long time, but now I think it'll be good for me. I've unfortunately replaced some important friendships with my lover, and hopefully I'll be able to draw myself out of it (I could use help, though!). As distraction, I amuse myself with thoughts of making short films with Katie in an old RV "studio", camping often, midnight movies, lots of concerts, dancing, yoga, guitar strumming, visiting Michelle in Spokane and Curtis in Prosser, and possibly a trip to Laramie to see the ol' chums. Oh, and I'm taking summer classes. Kids, it's going to be a busy summer.
Also, next up, I think I should come out of the closet (so to speak) about my atheism. yeah, It's about time, and I'm so tired of being forced into sitting through church to hear the same things over and over again....I could be enjoying nature or meditating instead. sheesh!
Enough about me. What are some of your recent adventures, accomplishments, and epiphanies? I would really like to know.
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[17 Apr 2007|05:14pm] |
I'm a big fan of spring resolutions (as opposed to the new year's kind) so here gos:
1. be more positive
2. get more sun
3. create more
4. love more
5. seek more adventure
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| I don't have to be prolific if I don't want, right? |
[04 Apr 2007|07:14pm] |
It's Spring! Time to be optimistic.
I really really like Wilco. and Cat Power.
My father's been nagging me to figure out what I'm doing with my life. errrrr.....
Spring quarter profs: Woods and Bullert. Bullert is awful. I think I like Woods.
This is what the universe left in my mailbox this morning:
"Probably, not necessarily, Johanna, but probably, the shortest distance between here and there -- between today and the life of your wildest dreams -- runs through joy, as much of it as you can possibly stir up. But, that's only if you're in a hurry. Zip, zap, zoom -
The Universe"
I love it!
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| Peachie |
[20 Mar 2007|09:04am] |
Katie & I painted with food!
this is mine
strawberry jam & lemon juice for the background
peanut butter & cinnamon for the branch
white frosting & strawberry jam for the peach
& pepper for the lady's outline
so it all smells relatively good together.
inspiration
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[11 Mar 2007|08:59am] |
I made a purse out of a transistor Radio!
Also, bought a 3-speed bicycle named free spirit. I think I want to paint her gold.
It's been an amazing weekend, and next week I'm going to see Jennifer and Dion in Anacortes!
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[26 Feb 2007|08:32pm] |
Michael and I went to Spokane this weekend, ate out every night and saw my cousin sing and dance as Sandy in Grease. It was supposed to be a special weekend, as it's been one year since our first kiss (I don't know why we ever kept track of this) but it was mostly happenstance that made it memorable. We were supposed to be joining Michael's sister at Ella's (a jazz club) but ended up on the floor below, listening to the Thermals and watching happy hipsters drunk dance. It's also been emotional. Holy shitza, one year is a long time.
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[19 Feb 2007|04:40pm] |
It's such a gloomy day, and I'm failing at absolutely everything.
I feel that, as a whole, this generation has reached the pinnacle of cheap, fake, and materialistic culture; we've got nowhere to go but down, and I'm noticing more and more the number of people around me who are rejecting what our society tells us is normal youth interests. Do you hear that, producers of mass-media products? we don't want to consume your insubstantial shit anymore.
Sun nin fai lok!
(Happy Chinese new year!)
it's the year of the golden pig, which is good for baby-making.
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[26 Jan 2007|11:42am] |
life's good!!
Michael and I are visiting old friends tonight, people that we haven't seen in a long time and really miss. And speaking of people I miss, tomorrow I'm going to visit Michelle in Spokane. Excitement!
...does anyone know where I could find a dark purple polo shirt?
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[23 Jan 2007|03:07pm] |
my midterm photo project.
it's not a very interesting premise, but I kinda like it anyway.
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[22 Jan 2007|06:59pm] |
I went to a rheumatologist today, and he thinks I have rheumatoid arthritis.
That's what I've suspected for a long time, but I've kind of kept it in the back of my mind. It's weird to actually hear it from a doctor, after months of semi-ignoring it, and hoping i was imagining it. I've never been diagnosed with a serious disease before. Does my disease change who I am? I don't feel like this is my body; it's never failed me so badly before.
even though I'm a little shocked, this diagnosis is good news. Having a name for it doesn't make the pain I've been living with any worse, and now I'm a whole lot closer to getting medication to treat it and prevent it from destroying my joints...the scariest part is when I hear what could have happened if I'd kept ignoring it.
it's weird to talk about it. I've almost kept it a secret all these months because I was afraid it was all in my mind.
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[11 Dec 2006|05:05pm] |
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This week, it seems as if every person I talk to is going through a lot of pain. Even though my life is great right now, I'm really feeling for all of them. I wish there was more I could do.
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[25 Oct 2006|11:43pm] |
It's been a contemplative couple days.
if given the choice between happiness and intelligence, what would you choose?
I know I'd go for the blissful ignorance, because thinking is a bitch.
for the most part, it's marterialism that's getting to me. As a culture, we define ourselves by the things we own and the things we like. Music, movies, TV, books, clothing, furniture, cars and homes...added up, does it really say who we are? If all of us were stripped of our possessions, what would be left? do we even know ourselves from the piles of junk we call ours?
On monday, I had all these grand plans to try to live without the majority of this stuff for a month. I would give up TV, movies, internet, most of my wardrobe, shopping, eating out, and (gasp!) music. I'm not sure what that would have accomplished, and now I'm just confused about the whole thing.
And basically, all of this started when I read a few chapters of "Sex, Drugs, and Coa Coa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman.
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